My heart has been so very heavy the last 24 hours. Events of
yesterday had me in a puddled mess, barely able to breathe. For those of you
who know me well, know that I am not a crier. I have had to be everyone’s rock
for as long as I can remember. In my family, I am the mediator, the peacekeeper or the
emotional dumpster, if you will. This is
all I’ve known. When there is crisis, I go into rock mode and do what has to be
done. I pride myself on being the unemotional level-headed one when push comes to shove. I push down whatever emotions bubble up and I take care of the nitty
gritty and solve the problems. When all is said and done, I find myself a dark
corner of my world to be alone and process.
Yesterday, the pain and shock of the day’s events were too
much to push down and I lost control. It had me questioning the Creator’s plan
and will. I still can’t wrap my head around why some families are made to
endure so much pain while others are fully spared. In 2005, my friend and
neighbor lost her life in a car accident, leaving her husband and four
children. Staci’s death affected me like none other. It haunts me to this day.
Her children have grown into beautiful, intelligent, kind and strong people,
such a testament to her, her husband and their families. Yesterday, her oldest
daughter was struck by a vehicle while crossing the street and left this world
to be with her mother and her Lord. This
child who watched her mother die and was spared in that accident has now
succumbed to another accident… This father who buried his wife is now burying
his first-born child. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain….
I hadn’t heard from my best friend in a couple weeks. She
lives in another state and although we talk sporadically, I know that no matter
where or when, I can call her and we start right where we left off. She makes
me feel strong when no one else can, she understands when no one else does and
she makes me laugh at the most inappropriate times. I am so grateful that the Creator and the
military made us cross paths clear on the other side of the ocean all those
years ago. Nonetheless, I called her to make sure she knew of Ashli’s death; Staci
was a mutual friend. It was then that the day dealt a second blow. My best
friend broke down and said she hadn’t called me or texted back recently because
she’s been so ill and had to be admitted to the hospital. I knew she’d been
having some health issues, she had kept me updated for the most part. However,
when it took a turn for the worse, she chose not to tell me because she didn’t
want me to worry. Her issues have gotten severe and they told her yesterday
that it could be terminal. She has begun
to get her affairs in order and needed to tell me that she is forwarding me a
copy of her will so that I am able to help her husband and children if the time
comes. I don’t even know what to do. How
can I survive in a world without her? We’re supposed to be old ladies in
rocking chairs on my front porch laughing about crazy things and even crazier
people. I hope and pray with all that I am that the doctors are able to fix
this and we can still invest in those rocking chairs.
Today, Staci’s younger daughter posted lyrics from a hymnal.
Her only public acknowledgement of her sister’s passing… “Even so, it is well
with my soul.” These words from this amazingly strong young lady have brought
me some level of peace. Though I don’t know what the Creator has ahead of me, I
should not live my life in fear of the possibilities or the chaos. I should not
question why I have been so incredibly blessed in my lifetime while other must
endure such incredible heartache. I should just continue to be grateful and times
like this should bring life more into perspective and force us to appreciate
the important things in life. Put down the electronics, put off sports practice
for a night, hug your children, tell them you love them every day. You never
know when it will be the last time.
So for tonight… Don’t Hand Over the Coffee, put it down and
spend time with your loved ones.
